My Best Dating Advice: Asking the Right Questions.

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Have you seen the viral TikTok video of the woman who is getting ready for her date and she is already dreading the generic questions that are being repeated on every date before this one?  Well, now you have (see link above)...  “How was your day?”  “What do you do?”  “How many siblings do you have?”  Blah, blah, blah…as she rolls her eyes.  It can be pretty excruciating sitting on a date when - even though the answers will vary, it doesn’t build any bridges and you’re trying to make it through an hour of disconnection.  

So, I have been reflecting and I have a new strategy to dating, specifically for women of color.  I acknowledge the fact that yes, physical attraction is a baseline for a connection, but I am so done giving men a cute pass.  The cute pass winds me up with a useless one-night stand or a toxic relationship, and no deeper connection.  

Instead, I have always found asking deeper specific questions not only implores and reveals information but will also help you bond.  These type of questions asked of me can be very sexy.  Sound funny?  It makes sense as these questions offer curiosity about you, which provides validation and two very sexy elements needed for that bond: listening and genuine interest.  

SO…what questions should you and your dating partner conversate about?  I got you!  Keep reading to find out!

Here is my starter list to help you begin this “diving deeper” journey that takes into consideration one more very important part of you - your identity as a person of color and gender identity.  Why is this important (if you don’t already value it)? - You have special experiences and trauma as a marginalized person whether you recognize it or not.  Once you do recognize this, it is important for your partner also to acknowledge this and show compassion.  This is love.  

I say this because my strongest bonds have been with those who believe in equity and equality (those two things are similar but very different things…and I will have to write another blog to address that someday!).  I’m going to insert here that my strongest bonds have also been because the both of us value social justice, recognize what it is, and live our lives accordingly.  To me, this is very sexy.  

That said, I haven’t given you the list yet…so here it is:

1. What do you think of racial equity?
2. What do you think of gender equity?
3. What do you think is the difference between equality and equity?
4. What do you envision as the roles for each of us in a relationship?
5. Do you want children?
6. What do you envision as the roles for each of us in a family unit?
7. Do you think love can only survive on physical attraction and common interests or values as well?  (This one may sound rhetorical but will set you up for the questions coming next).  
8. What are your guiding lights (morals and values)?  (You can also ask specific political questions here…usually we, as a community, intentionally skip over politics in order to keep the peace when we have small talk with strangers; however, this is a date and I recommend you ask important (not necessarily hard) questions here on where you stand in your values and know what you can be willing to work with or not).  
9. What are your short-term and long-term goals on this life journey?

I want to add that you are not looking for someone who is completely like you; but for someone who has self-awareness and has similar values.  For example, he/she may be pro-guns - you will have to reflect and consider whether you feel that is something you can live with or even use it as another getting-to-know-you mechanism to explore why that value is important to him or her to reach an understanding.  

These are starter questions that will help you filter the authenticity and values of a person on the first few dates.  If he/she passes, you will still need to do the work to have fun, and get to know each other and your temperaments and personalities in this journey called life and love!  These questions may sound heavy, but you don’t have to dig deep too fast.  Ask the usual questions or ask them what makes them laugh or why they like pickleball…and then insert the heavy hitters.  If your date runs, you have your answer - they are not ready and self-aware or value the same values you do.  

What would you add to my list?

What do you think of this transparency?

If you find my blog helpful, please don’t forget to tip me by buying me a coffee!  I hope you are all well and happy.  Happy Friday!

XOXO,

Eve